Almost all writers “in the now” do their writing in a Coffee Bean, Starbucks, Barnes and Noble or some other type café. You have your overpriced (and delicious!) latte. You sit down untangle your cords, get your wireless mouse, notepad, and whatever weird thing you need to get going… you have your phone charging on the computer (turned off of course- can’t get distracted, wink wink). And then you realize you have to go to the bathroom.
So you make a judgement call and look around the crowded café and ask the most trust worthy person (nearest to you), “Do you mind watching my stuff?”
The types of answers received range from, “Sure!” (when you know for a fact they aren’t really going to pay attention to your property, even if an Orangutan in a fedora started rummaging through your things taking your prescription meds and credit cards. This is usually the couple that is staring deeply into each other’s eyes, or the brides and their miserable bridesmaid writing on one of those pastel wedding planner guides. Sometimes, you may get the hesitant, “okay…”
This person will watch your stuff and get a description of the thief for your police report, (this one fits me.) Or you will get the quid pro quo person, who says “okay! And when I get back can you watch mine?” This is usually the best scenario because you have something to “pay” them back with. There also might be the person that just says yes, and will wholeheartedly watch your stuff.
Even as I write this, I asked a lady next to me if I could run to the bathroom, and she said, “I am going to be here for 45 minutes, are you going to take longer?” I laughed and said I hoped not because I just had to run to the restroom. When I came back, all my stuff was still intact. The lady apologetically told me that one time a woman asked her to watch her stuff and the woman was gone for 30 minutes. She had to ask the coffee shop staff to take the woman’s things. I was shocked. But not really shocked. This is why she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I can imagine how dumb people can be.\
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that our things our so unsafe in the places I go that they’ll get ripped off the minute I have to urinate. In fact, what if the person you ask to watch IS the person who is going to steal your stuff? It seems that asking a complete stranger to watch your stuff so that another complete stranger doesn’t steal your stuff is kind of counter-productive. I could be planting drugs in your bag or a seriously, quick hacker who will be doing nefarious things with your laptop.
But you never know… I find it slightly more difficult when I am the person being asked to watch the stuff because I tend to be an asshole magnet.
We have all been there. I have a friend, who is so true and lovely, that she would sincerely watch the person’s things for them and never hesitates to help. I was not blessed with such grace.
In the lovely words of our favorite space squid, “It’s a trap!” And a million things run through my head, “How long will they be gone?” The dreaded, “It’ll just be a few minutes…” now, I know as a writer “a few” usually means 3-4 minutes, but what does Shirley Laptop consider “a few minutes” in her business world? Ten? Seven? I don’t know what kind of social culture this lady has and what “few” means to her.
Where are they going? The bathroom? Are they ordering another drink? Is there a line? Are they doing number 1 or number 2? What’s in the bag? Why do I have to watch it, why couldn’t she just go and trust that I wasn’t going to go through her stuff? What if she forgets that she left it and accuses me of taking it? Worse, what if someone DOES come and try to take it? And what if it’s ok after I yell at them to stop touching crap that doesn’t belong to them? I want to just yell, “You can’t just pull this kind of crap at the airport man, so don’t try to pull it here.” But the problem is, I do it too.
I don’t know what kind of friends this woman has, or whom she is authorizing to take her stuff. I mean we don’t really have time to go through the menagerie of events that just might happen. Before I can respond to the person, I have already imagined myself in about 15 shitty situations. A diatribe of scenarios play over and over in my mind, some involve raccoons in hoodies and clowns coming in and laying claim to this stranger’s stuff.
And don’t forget one of the most important things: ultimately -at the end of the day, I don’t care about other people’s stuff! If it gets stolen, you shouldn’t have trusted your shit with a complete stranger to begin with. I feel like saying, “I’ll watch your stuff, but if someone pulls out a shiv I will willingly give it to them with a bow on top.”
I have made the best arrangement when it comes to my things… I leave the heaviest, least valuable things in my portable office on the table. Items have to be personal so they won’t be cleared away, but not so personal that if I lost it I would be devastated. This being said, the next time you see me at Starbucks and ask me to watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom -I will most likely say yes.
By RM Peavy
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